The Holidays... fast approaching, like a freight train...
This time of year is especially troubling for many. Do you know anyone like that? Could you be one?
Take a minute and do some preparation for what could be yet another holiday season that fails to live up to the hype. What word associations do you have with "Thanksgiving... family gatherings... Christmas morning... New Year's Eve... holiday traditions..." Write these down and see what sort of pattern emerges.
Something that's helped, as I've seen some of these concepts evolving over the years, is to go back to what the original intents were and then adapt that to what's meaningful to me. For instance, underlying so much of the season is the expressions of love that we all long for. How could that look in the current situation you find yourself in? What's "do-able"? Brainstorm, whether you expect to follow through on most of your ideas. Something that I'm asking these days is, "Who could use what I have to offer?" I don't mean to deny your own needs, but are you aware of ways to give something unique and memorable? Often this doesn't cost much and brings rich returns. Please share your ideas on this website. byHisdesign is a community that strives to persevere in finding our way through whatever phases of life that challenge us most.
Finally, let me share a Psalm of David that expresses brokenness and confidence at the same time. David found answers to his dilemma in his relationship to Someone who could understand and wouldn't reject him, no matter the circumstance.
Psalm 31
"In You, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be ashamed...be to me a Rock of strength...my fortress... You will pull me out of the net which they have secretly laid for me... for Your name's sake, You will lead and guide me... I will rejoice and be glad in Your loyal love, because You have seen my affliction, You have known the troubles of my soul... and have set my feet in a large place... and You have not given me over into the hand of my enemy... be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted away from grief, my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength has failed because of my iniquity... because of all my adversaries, I have become a reproach, especially to my neighbors... those who see me in the streets flee from me... I am like a broken vessel... But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say, "You are my God, and my times are in Your hand." Deliver me from the hand of my enemies... save me... for I call upon You... Let the lying lips be dumb, the wicked be put to shame, those who speak arrogantly in pride and contempt... how great is the goodness You have stored up for those who reverence You and who take refuge in You... O Lord, God of truth."
Whatever makes this season difficult for you or those you care about, take some of these words with you. They can mend wounds and restore hope. You are in our prayers.
Three words that don't seem to belong together, but form a dynamic triad when looked at from an eternal perspective:
Work: ('My thoughts) purposeful labor, answering the call God has placed on your life
Dictionary-- Sustained physical and mental effort to overcome obstacles and achieve a result, exercising skill and creativity.
Rest: (My thoughts) trusting, surrendering, acceptance of God’s provision
Dictionary-- Peace of mind or spirit; to be free from anxiety or disturbance; lean or place against a support
Suffering: “Having what you don’t want and wanting what you don’t have” Elisabeth Elliot
There is a poem called “No Scar” by a missionary, Amy Carmichael, which has a haunting message:
“Hast thou no scar? No hidden scar on foot, or side, or hand? I hear thee sung as mighty in the land; I hear them hail thy bright, ascendant star. Hast thou no scar?
Hast thou no wound? Yet I was wounded by the archers; spent, leaned Me against a tree to die; and rent by ravening beasts that compassed Me, I swooned. Hast thou no wound?..."
“20 Ways to Talk with Children about Death”
Death is a subject that is evaded, ignored, and denied in our youth-oriented society. Well-meaning parents and others want to keep this reality from children, especially. Parental over-protection “robs a child of the opportunity to develop coping skills for handling loss.” Children are not as fragile as we expect. They may ask uncomfortable questions, or adults may feel unprepared to talk about a subject they know little about, and offer empty euphemisms instead.
Young children can understand separation, like peek-a-boo, as in here and not here. Later, as they progress in their development, children use their imaginations and may think of death as temporary, since their games view it that way, “Bang, bang, you’re dead. Now get up.” By school age, children can appreciate that death is final, personal, and inevitable.
With that in mind, let me offer several tips for helping children understand death and life cycles:
- Teach about animals (pets) and plants, as observed in daily life. There should be ample opportunities to show that things are temporary.
- Listen and be open to their questions about death, even if you don’t know all the answers. In any case, teach them not to fear it by anticipating and reading helpful books before a crisis.
- Give accurate information without hesitation. “Grandma’s heart stopped beating.” Children have curiosity and also powers of observation.
- Be honest—even with preschoolers, which builds trust. “They need knowledge of significant events in their lives.”
- Ask what they are wanting to know, not assume that they need extensive explanations. Answer only what they ask.
- Let them have their own feelings. Don’t say, “You shouldn’t say that.”
- Avoid euphemisms; instead say, “died.” Other expressions may create confusion, like“lost,” for instance.
- Don’t equate death with a long sleep. A child may have apprehension around the times of rest he takes.
- Talk frankly about serious illness. If a loved one is terminal, discuss how some diseases prevent the body from working effectively. Mention the treatment offered and chances of recovery, keeping in mind that prayer is important and scientists are trying to find cures for many diseases. Stress that everything will be done to help their loved one be comfortable.
- If a dying person is a parent, the surviving parent should reassure the child that he/she will probably live until he/she is old and the child will not be abandoned, but cared for.
- Expose a child to a dying person with guidance and support. The dying person can minister to loved ones and farewells can be said.
- A child should be given the option of attending funerals, but encouraged to participate in such family rituals and traditions so that he doesn’t feel isolated or burdened by unexpressed grief. It will help communicate fact and feeling to him and answer questions about where the body has gone.
- Don’t say, “God needed her, wanted him…” This may seem like a threat to a child, who will, in turn, hate a Being who could appear so uncaring. Assure the child that God is sad when tragedies occur, and He will help us through it.
- Don’t set limits on grieving. Give permission for the child to talk out feelings of fear, anger, loneliness, and guilt. Irrational guilt feelings my surface because the child had bad thoughts toward a loved one. Reassure her that she didn’t cause the death or could have stopped what happened.
- Give affection in physical and nonverbal ways, offering comfort.
- Let the child see your grief, and remind him that you won’t always feel bad. Maintain family routines as much as possible, as it helps establish a secure atmosphere.
- Don’t use a child as a parent replacement for a lost spouse. Statements like, “now you’re the man of the house,” only serve to rob the child of a childhood. It is inappropriate to assign this role, regardless of age.
- Encourage the telling of good memories and reminiscing about special qualities of the one who’s died. Also, encourage writing letters or drawing pictures to the loved one, God, or survivors, as it provides an outlet to emotional hurts and moves one into healing.
- Remind each other how your loved one doesn’t hurt or feel sad anymore. Though you miss her and her body is in the ground, who she really is, is alive with God.
- Read about heaven in the Bible and the fulfillment of God’s plan for all who love and trust Him. Talk about God, His character and times in the Bible when He cared for others, especially the helpless. Ask Him for understanding and wisdom when responding to your child’s questions about death.
In review, the parent who listens, answers questions simply and adequately, and leaves room for the child to express concerns without moralizing, is establishing a pattern of honesty and openness that can build a bridge for a lifetime. In addition, this practice can ease the pain by strengthening bonds with others. A parent’s attitude in times of grief is the most important influence on your child. Your conscious and unconscious feelings are quickly sensed and assimilated by your child. For a Christ follower, prayer, praise and thanksgiving, along with transparent confession, have a healing power on heart and mind. The Christian belief in a sovereign God who gives life and redeems it, can reaffirm the goodness and mercy of God when others despair.
“Understanding what death is and learning to face it is one of the most important things we must learn and teach our children. Knowing that death is a door to eternal life gives courage and assurance in this life, placing confidence in a God who, at the end of this life, opens His arms to receive us in His embrace creates longing, not fear.
“More than 100 reasons to trust God in turbulent times”
He is: always good, Almighty, “Abba Father,” Author & Finisher of my faith, my Anchor/Rock, Beloved, boundless, the Amen, my adequacy, Alpha & Omega, my advocate, Creator, Counselor, Conqueror, compassionate, Comforter, Deliverer, Defender, my desire, everlasting, Emmanuel, Encourager, enthroned, exalted, Friend, forgiving, faithful, forsaken, fairest…, my foundation, great, gracious, Gift & Giver, Guardian, humble servant, Head, Helper, Healer, hiding place, incomparable, infinite, infallible, indwelling, Intercessor, Judge/just, Joy, King, Kinsman, kind, Keeper, Light, Life, Love, Listener, Maker, Most High, meek, merciful, …Morning Star, near, Nurturer, Overcomer, Omni (all)- knowing… present… powerful, patient, Peace, Physician, Prophet, Priest, Protector, Provider, precious Lamb…, priceless, persistent, Pearl of Great Price, Potter, pure, Quickener, Quietness, Refiner, Resurrection, Refuge, radiant, Ransom, Refresher, Rewarder, Restorer, Rod, Rest, Sacrifice, Shepherd, Spirit, Satisfier, my strength & shield, steadfast, Supreme, my song, Sovereign, slow to anger, Sower, transcendent, Teacher, true, tender, transforms, unchangeable, understanding, unhurried, unfailing, unwearied, Uniter, Uplifter, unhindered, my vision, Vindicator, Vine, Way, Wisdom, worthy, Watcher, wounded for me, yearned for, yoked, zealous!
When times are hard, people are mean, and resources are scarce, review what you know, what you are sure of, not what your fears and hurts are telling you. Retrieving life from loss is about –finding God’s purpose in the past, His meaning in the present, and His hope for the future. Make your own 100 list starting today; it will do your heart and mind good.
“Meditations for Spiritual Health” –A Baker’s Dozen
1. LOVED –Ephesians 3:17-18
2. PEACE –John 14:27
3. STRENGTH –Ephesians 6:10-11
4. COURAGE –John 16:33
5. CALLING –Matthew 5:16
6. FAITH –Hebrews 11:1
7. GLADNESS –Psalms 118:24
8. CONFIDENCE –Matthew 6:26
9. BELIEVE –John 3:17-18
10. UNITY –Ephesians 4:4-6
11. EXCELLENCE –Philippians 4:8
12. WISDOM –James 1:5
13. ENDURANCE –Hebrews 12:1
Also:
- You may look these up in different versions,
- read them several times,
- commit them to memory,
- journal your personal response to each one,
- pray,
- and share them with others.
